The Real Me Writes a Real Post about Real Life
I will not let my demons own me. I will not remain silent and not share.
For the past four months, I have been going to counseling. To be honest, I thought about going to counseling right after I got home from the World Race, but as soon as that thought entered my mind I immediately rejected it because counseling is embarrassing, right? Wrong. Anyway, a series of events this summer highlighted my need to work through stuff and have someone help me along the way.
I want to write this blog as me. Really me. Truly me. I’m so good at projecting, reacting, and filtering. So good at filtering. The other day, my counselor asked me, “What would living as Reid look like if you took away your filter?”
I didn’t have an answer.
You see, I don’t have just one filter. I have many. Actually, I’m going to stop writing that thought because it’s sharing it is a sly attempt to sound wise, learned, and self-aware, and thus gain your approval. I’m learning to not need your approval, so who cares if I share that thought or not. Moving on.
I don’t want to write this blog post through my filter…but I’m not sure how to do that. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this way, but have you ever read something you’ve written, heard something you’ve said, looked at something you’ve done, and thought “That’s not me.” I am so good, and we are so good, at projecting.
I don’t want to project any image to you right now other than merely the real me. I don’t want to project a sob story. I don’t want to project old sage wisdom. I don’t want to project radical vulnerability. I don’t want to write this, share this, live out this for anything I can get from you. I’m so, so done with that. I mean, I know I’m not done struggling with it but, oh my goodness, am I done actively living in it.
Writing this is hard because I have lived for a long time quieting my own voice and running away from attention, believing that I am not worth being recognized, highlighted, or heard. Why? Well, lots of reasons, but you’ll have to come with me to counseling sometime to hear all of those. For instance, while writing this blog, it is easy for me to disconnect myself from the words as I type them. It is easy for me to invalidate and discredit them, creating distance that becomes emptiness. It’s easy for this to not be me.
But you know what? Look at me. See me. Get to know me.
It’ll freak me out right now, and MAN is it going to make me real anxious, but I want to try. I want to actually be known by you. I want to trust in myself, have healthy foundational beliefs about myself, and know that I am good enough. Sharing this on a blog is great, sure, but can I share this with you in person? Having to actually face you in the flesh is waaaay scarier than this, so let’s do that, okay? I’m in.
I am tempted to feel weak, adrift, and immature as I write this. I don’t want to own up to writing a blog about owning up to where I’m at. But, I’m better than that and worth more than that, so…who cares, here it is.
Let the real life begin.
Hang in there, good kid. You are where you need to be, and you are headed in the right direction. Actually, very similar to my surgery recovery and rehab. Some days are better than others – today has been a high pain, no apparent gain day. But I need to trust my Physical Therapists, and they assure me days like today are part of the process, and they remind me I am progressing.
Reid, I so adore you and am very proud of you. Never be ashamed to talk out your issues with anyone, it’s called asking for help. We are not created to go it alone we need someone, regardless of whom it is, to talk things over with. You are an amazing young man and I’m a better person for knowing you xoxo
I’m still waiting to buy you a beer…
I haven’t really known you for a long time. I enjoy following your adventures on Facebook and getting the occasional update from your mom, which both offer great opportunity for filters. I do know that you were an awesome kid. You had a fun personality and a fine moral compass. You had talent, both on stage and off. I’m sure that these things have remained with you, as evidenced by your life choices. I’m proud of you. You. I am even more proud of your choice to be you. You know where I am, feel free to come by, message, email…whatever. I would love to know the you that you are now. No filters needed.
Reid, I also am getting counseling. It was tough for me to tell people I was getting counseling too and I was down on myself. And embarrassed. And thinking I should be more spiritually nature. You know what God told me? He reminded me that His power is made perfect in my weakness. When we admit our needs, He shines through as He helps us become who He created us to be. And it is obvious and He will get the honor! You are where you need to be. God is refining you! I can’t wait to see how He shines through your life!
This is the most real blog I’ve read in a long time. Thank you. Not just for sharing it, but reminding me of the life I’ve hid from for sometime now. Inspiring is the only word I can use to describe what I read.
Yes Reid! This is SO good! Keep writing! Keep being vulnerable. You ARE worth it! Proud. Of. You!
Wow Reid, so glad you shared! We love the real you!!!
This is one giant, brave step you’ve taken with this blog. Please let the significance of this moment sink in and celebrate it! You’re more than worth doing so.
I love you.
Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
It’s all about God.
Reid, I been through therapy twice. Its not easy, but the benefits are huge. Keep up the hard work. And yes, I’d love to meet the real Reid for a cup of coffee!! You’ll always have a piece of my heart whatever or wherever life takes you.
Liz
Reid, thanks for sharing! Talking to someone about things via counselor is a great idea! I’ve never done it, but I have considered it many a times, but then the Lord always provides someone for me to speak with.
I enjoyed going on the STM trip with you a few months ago. It was great getting to know you…hopefully it was the real you.
You are worth getting to know. I’d love to catch up sometime. Let me know when is good for you.
I know it’s scary but thank you for trying to be honest and authentic. We want to see you and know you so please continue to be here, present, and fully alive with us. We love you Reid!