I will not let my demons own me. I will not remain silent and not share.
For the past four months, I have been going to counseling. To be honest, I thought about going to counseling right after I got home from the World Race, but as soon as that thought entered my mind I immediately rejected it because counseling is embarrassing, right? Wrong. Anyway, a series of events this summer highlighted my need to work through stuff and have someone help me along the way.
I want to write this blog as me. Really me. Truly me. I’m so good at projecting, reacting, and filtering. So good at filtering. The other day, my counselor asked me, “What would living as Reid look like if you took away your filter?”
I didn’t have an answer.
You see, I don’t have just one filter. I have many. Actually, I’m going to stop writing that thought because it’s sharing it is a sly attempt to sound wise, learned, and self-aware, and thus gain your approval. I’m learning to not need your approval, so who cares if I share that thought or not. Moving on.
I don’t want to write this blog post through my filter...but I’m not sure how to do that. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this way, but have you ever read something you’ve written, heard something you’ve said, looked at something you’ve done, and thought “That’s not me.” I am so good, and we are so good, at projecting.
I don’t want to project any image to you right now other than merely the real me. I don’t want to project a sob story. I don’t want to project old sage wisdom. I don’t want to project radical vulnerability. I don’t want to write this, share this, live out this for anything I can get from you. I’m so, so done with that. I mean, I know I’m not done struggling with it but, oh my goodness, am I done actively living in it.
Writing this is hard because I have lived for a long time quieting my own voice and running away from attention, believing that I am not worth being recognized, highlighted, or heard. Why? Well, lots of reasons, but you’ll have to come with me to counseling sometime to hear all of those. For instance, while writing this blog, it is easy for me to disconnect myself from the words as I type them. It is easy for me to invalidate and discredit them, creating distance that becomes emptiness. It’s easy for this to not be me.
But you know what? Look at me. See me. Get to know me.
It’ll freak me out right now, and MAN is it going to make me real anxious, but I want to try. I want to actually be known by you. I want to trust in myself, have healthy foundational beliefs about myself, and know that I am good enough. Sharing this on a blog is great, sure, but can I share this with you in person? Having to actually face you in the flesh is waaaay scarier than this, so let’s do that, okay? I’m in.
I am tempted to feel weak, adrift, and immature as I write this. I don’t want to own up to writing a blog about owning up to where I’m at. But, I’m better than that and worth more than that, so...who cares, here it is.
Let the real life begin.
