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Asking for Prayer, Talking About Shame

This a post asking for prayer and talking about shame.

For the past month, I have been praying into transitioning from my current job in Long Term Missions to another job at Adventures. I feel the Lord led me to this decision, but to be honest, I don’t feel supported by him right now. Nothing has opened up, and nothing is on my heart to pursue. I have agreed to stay in the department until the beginning of April, but after that…who knows?

Also, I was recently invited into a church planting role at Adventures (as a whole, Adventures is focusing on church planting). This would not be a 9 – 5 job at Adventures; it would be more like a bivocational church planter. I’d have a day job at Adventures and plant churches on the side. There are many details I could share about this, but I’ll give you the biggies: our purpose would be to raise up locals to head these churches, we would church plant on teams of 4 – 6 Adventures staff, and (here’s the biggest biggie) it’s a 3+ year commitment.

Where am I with church planting? I don’t know. Church planting in Gainesville isn’t on my heart, but being in that space allows me access to strong, inspiring men and women of God who could teach me so many things, and it would force me into more evangelism and discipleship than I have ever done before. So, my heart doesn’t leap with excitement, but my head has many right reasons. Maybe this is God preparing me to do church planting in the Middle East, a region that does have my heart?

I don’t know how I fit in. And that’s where shame comes in. Ever since returning from Greece, my relationship with God has been rocky. Actually, I feel like I’m a ship caught at sea in a colossal storm. I can’t see the stars to know where I’m going and the waves relentlessly batter and ram, but the ship somehow holds itself together. It sails on, but only just.

Right now, I feel lost at sea personally (counseling stuff), professionally (what’s my job after April? Do I do church planting?), romantically (I’m trying here.), and spiritually (God, where are you?).

I have shame because I feel, and have felt for some time, frustratingly distant from God, and I can’t figure out why. Is he there? My head says sure, but my heart remains quiet. I have shame because I don’t have answers or concrete clarity to direct my life with certainty, and that feels less than.

But it’s true, so let’s acknowledge it.

I am asking for your prayers in all these areas right now. If you have a word, picture, or verse from the Lord, I am open to receive. I need His truth to drown out my own thoughts which seek to make me as one “driven and tossed by the wind”. Can you share his truth with me?

We are in this together, and I want to make these decisions with you.